That is my biggest hold up in my life... Always afraid that the other shoe is going to drop. Not sure where this began, but I do know that it is a poisonous state of mind that prevents me from moving forward and succeeding a lot of the time. Especially this time of the year… The weather is turning, everything gets a little “depressed looking” outside and I just want to ball up and do nothing. That would not be so bad if not for the fact that I am artist, and my living comes from how much I put myself out there to attract new work.
I do totally fine with the work that does come in. It does not affect that. I am totally disciplined to work through my depression and kick butt on the deadlines I have without anyone knowing what I am going through.. But it affects my incentive to create new things on my own time, which is necessary to grow and attract new prospects.
But there is an even bigger, more important factor that makes this more imminent of a problem for me; I have a family. A wife and 4 kids… And one of those kids has severe autism (“severe” in that she will never be able to live on her own without a guardian to watch her and care for her). This ultimately sets my fear into a difficult paradox. Most of my fear involves the well-being of the future of my family, and the “what if’s” surrounding what could happen to them. One of the bigger scares is ,"what will happen with my daughter when my wife and I are gone? Will she have enough resources to care for her?" The paradox happens by way of how fear slows me down (or sometimes paralyzes me) in anxiety and depression-- preventing me from truly moving forward in an optimal way for some form of success… And yet, that success is needed to help in giving me some assurance that my work now could possibly leave something behind that could potentially provide necessary resources for my daughter's future..
So I am starting a blog.
"How does that help", you might ask? For me, it will help remind me as I update and share art and stories about WHY I do what I do. It usually is very therapeutic for me to keep that focus going, and distract me from my anxiety/depression problems. (Most of which stem from an extreme type of OCD— but that is a blog for another time.).
It gives me a tremendous boost when I post about paintings of her on Facebook, and other sites.
(Below is a picture I illustrated of my daughter many years ago. She is legally an adult now, but mentally-- she is just a child. )
I have much to share, and I hope it can also encourage others who need to hear these things. Yeah,. I now this first one was a little bleak— but I promise there will be more that offer a good deal of positive notes. :)